Archive for August, 2009

An Intimate Marriage

August 31, 2009

We did not get married in order to find a convenient way to cook meals, wash dishes, do laundry, and rear children. We married out of a deep desire to love and to be loved, to live life together, believing that together we could experience life more deeply than apart.

How can we experience this? Let’s look at the five essential components of an intimate relationship: sharing our thoughts (intellectual intimacy), discussing our feelings (emotional intimacy), spending time with each other (social intimacy), opening our souls to each other (spiritual intimacy), and sharing our bodies (physical intimacy).

Intellectual Intimacy
From the moment we arise in the morning, our minds are active. Intimacy requires that we share some of our thoughts with each other. I am not talking about only highly intellectual thoughts; they may just be ones focused on finances, food, or health. When two minds link, they build intellectual intimacy.

Emotional Intimacy
The sharing of feelings also builds emotional intimacy. Be willing to say “I’m feeling a lot of fear right now,” or “I am really happy tonight.” In making such statements, we are choosing to be intimate with our spouses, to reveal to them what’s going on in our emotional world. Learning to talk about emotions can be one of the most rewarding experiences of life.

Social Intimacy
Social intimacy has to do with spending time together around the events of life. As I share these events with my spouse, our horizons are broadened. Another part of social intimacy involves the two of us doing things together, alone or with others. A picnic in the park or even on the deck can add excitement to an otherwise drab day. The things we do together form some of our most vivid memories, and they also build social intimacy.

Spiritual Intimacy
Spiritual intimacy is often the least developed of all the intimacies of a marriage, yet it has a profound impact upon all other areas. It is fostered not only by verbal communication, but also by shared experience. One wife said, “There is something about experiencing worship together that gives me a sense of closeness to my husband. We hold hands during the prayers. We share with each other what we liked about the service.” Intimacy flourishes as we share our spiritual journey. Next week, we will discuss physical intimacy.

Another Radio Interview!

August 24, 2009

Check out Midday Connection to hear Dr. Chapman talk about The Five Love Languages – Singles Edition.

Host Melinda Schmidt will be interviewing Gary on Moody Radio at 12noon (CST). If you’re not near a radio or if you don’t have Moody programming in your area, you can check it out streaming from the web.

Missed the program? No problem you can download the podcast.

Love is a Choice

August 20, 2009

The Five Love Languages has helped hundreds of thousands of couples rediscover warm emotional feelings for each other. Now, this did not happen because someone decided, I’m going to have warm feelings toward my spouse again. It began when one person decided; I’m going to express love to my spouse in spite of the fact that I don’t have warm feelings toward her or him. Emotional love can be rediscovered. The key is learning the love language of your spouse and choosing to speak it regularly. Warm feelings are the results of loving actions. Love is a choice.

How can we express love to our spouses when we are full of hurt, anger, and resentment over past failures? Remember the words of Jesus: Love your enemies. “Bless those who curse you.” Why would Jesus say this? Because love is the most powerful weapon to change the heart of the other person. Love doesn’t erase the past, but it makes the future different.
If I know my wife’s primary love language and choose to speak it, her deepest emotional need will be met and she will feel secure in my love. If she does the same for me, my emotional needs are met and both of us live with a full “love tank.”
How do you create this kind of growing marriage? It all begins with the choice to love. I recognize that as a husband, God has given me the responsibility of meeting my wife’s need for love. I choose to accept that responsibility and learn how to speak her primary love language. What happens? My wife’s attitude and feelings toward me become positive. Now she reciprocates and my need for love is also met. Love is a choice.

What if speaking your spouse’s love language doesn’t come natural for you? The answer is simple: “You learn to speak it!” My wife’s love language is “acts of service”. One of the things I do for her regularly as an act of love is to vacuum the floors. Do you think this comes naturally for me? You couldn’t pay me enough to vacuum the house. There is only one reason I do it: LOVE. You see, when it doesn’t come naturally to you, it is a greater expression of love.
Your spouse has a primary love language, and if you learn to speak it, you will see a radical change in your spouse. The five love languages are words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, physical touch and gifts.
Learn your spouse’s primary love language and you will have the key to unlocking warm feelings. You don’t have to have warm emotions toward your spouse to speak their language. Love is a choice.

Excerpt taken from The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. The newly recovered and updated book, set to come out in 2010, visit to sign up for our weekly emails and stay in the loop about new Gary Chapman updates!

Is it a Driver or a Wedge?

August 6, 2009

Okay so this post has nothing to do with Golf, sorry if I got any of you excited. But it does have to do with driving and wedges. Getting rid of potential wedges in your relationship is crucial to the health of the marriage. A relationship wedge is anything that has the potential to drive you and your spouse apart. The first and most dangerous wedge is pride–specifically, the pride that keeps you from apologizing. Pride turns simple misunderstandings into long-term problems.

Other potential wedges include negative input from friends and family, overbooked schedules, and indifference. You probably won’t be able to remove all the wedges from your relationship, but you can remove enough to give your love a chance to grow.

Another way to create a better climate is to look for positive things in your spouse. Your spouse may have traits and hidden talents that you knew nothing about before you were married. Look for these things and compliment your spouse. You can create a better atmosphere if you use positive words. Find the goodness in your spouse and proclaim it loudly, especially in front of other people.

Have you ever publicly acknowledged and encouraged your spouse? Has your spouse ever done this for you? Share your story, or creative ideas on how to do this in the future.

Moody Publishers and Gary Chapman Celebrates Five Love Languages Milestone

August 3, 2009

Moody Publishers celebrated the success of Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages (Northfield Publishing, Oct ‘92) at a special reception held on July 14th. The book has passed sales of more than 5 million copies, and for the past 7 years sales continue to grow, exceeding the previous year’s numbers.

Chris Fabry, co-host of the nationally syndicated Moody Radio program Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, opened the program by presenting Chapman with a Honorary Proclamation from Colorado Governor Bill Ritter, Jr. The certificate recognized July 14, 2009 as “Successful Marriage Day,” and declared “The State of Colorado recognizes the hard work of those providing advice and counseling to couples and families, and their efforts to ensure marriage succeed and our community’s foundations remain strong.”

Greg Thornton, vice president of publications, addressed the group next, speaking on the book’s sales and the need for its continued success, pointing to a recent Time magazine cover story on the state of traditional marriage in America. He stated “when the book was first released 17 years ago, neither the publisher nor the author could have guessed the impact it would have. We knew we had a solid message, but none of us could have imagined how it would influence marriages around the world.” Today the book is available in audio format, as download for the Kindle, and has been translated in 38 languages.

John Hinkley, the director of marketing, followed with the news that Moody will re-launch the book in January 2010 with its “most aggressive marketing campaign in a decade,” including a new cover and an interactive Web site where readers can take the love languages assessment test. He ended by saying, “our goal, our vision is to help reduce the number of divorces.”

Other well-known industry professionals attending the reception to congratulate Chapman and Moody for the milestone were author Jerry B. Jenkins, CBA President Bill Anderson and ECPA President Mark Kuyper. Guests were treated to cake and given autographed copies of the book.

Photos courtesy of